5 Steps to Assertiveness!
Assertiveness is a good characteristic to have when you do it correctly. Being assertive balances aggressiveness and submissiveness behaviors. Most people with social anxiety have a tendency to be submissive rather than assertive. When pushed to the wall, some people are aggressive rather than assertive.
Asserting yourself is a way to feel confident and get what you want without coming across as a big bully. Assertiveness is also a great way to express your feelings honestly and to say no to something you really don’t want without hurting someone else in the process.
This is where assertiveness can be mistaken for avoidance for some people who are suffering from social anxiety. They feel as though they are being assertive when they say no to an invitation to dinner for example, when they are only trying to escape a social situation.
Another way people are non-assertive is trying to get what they want by making other people feel sorry for them instead of coming out and asking for what they want. This is a form of manipulation. These people want everyone to feel as though they are the victim, thus feeling sorry for them and giving them what they want.
So, 5 steps to assertiveness:
1. Develop non-verbal assertive behaviors like looking directly into another person’s eyes, standing with arms NOT crossed, stay put and do not back away from the other person.
2. Realize you have basic rights and do not dismiss them. For example, you have the right to ask for what you want.
3. Practice assertiveness and assertive responses. Take a situation like someone just cut in front of you in line, and write down what you could say assertively. Your response can begin with “I would like…”; “I want…”; “I would appreciate…” or “Would you please…”
4. Learn to say no when requests are made of your time or energy that you just don’t have. Acknowledge the request, explain your reason for declining, and say no.
5. Avoid manipulation. If you are assertive with someone and they react with anger, joking, trying to make you feel guilty, or asking you why you want something, do not back down.
Assertiveness can be learned if studied. For more information and greater detail on the 5 steps to assertiveness, I recommend The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook