Assertiveness is a good characteristic to have when you do it correctly.  Being assertive balances aggressiveness and submissiveness behaviors.  Most people with social anxiety have a tendency to be submissive rather than assertive.  When pushed to the wall, some people are aggressive rather than assertive.

Asserting yourself is a way to feel confident and get what you want without coming across as a big bully.  Assertiveness is also a great way to express your feelings honestly and to say no to something you really don’t want without hurting someone else in the process.

This is where assertiveness can be mistaken for avoidance for some people who are suffering from social anxiety.  They feel as though they are being assertive when they say no to an invitation to dinner for example, when they are only trying to escape a social situation.

Another way people are non-assertive is trying to get what they want by making other people feel sorry for them instead of coming out and asking for what they want.  This is a form of manipulation.  These people want everyone to feel as though they are the victim, thus feeling sorry for them and giving them what they want.

So, 5 steps to assertiveness:

1.        Develop non-verbal assertive behaviors like looking directly into another person’s eyes, standing with arms NOT crossed, stay put and do not back away from the other person.

2.       Realize you have basic rights and do not dismiss them.  For example, you have the right to ask for what you want.

3.       Practice assertiveness and assertive responses.  Take a situation like someone just cut in front of you in line, and write down what you could say assertively.  Your response can begin with “I would like…”; “I want…”; “I would appreciate…” or “Would you please…”

4.       Learn to say no when requests are made of your time or energy that you just don’t have.  Acknowledge the request, explain your reason for declining, and say no.

5.       Avoid manipulation.  If you are assertive with someone and they react with anger, joking, trying to make you feel guilty, or asking you why you want something, do not back down.

Assertiveness can be learned if studied.  For more information and greater detail on the 5 steps to assertiveness, I recommend The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D.

What is the secret to cure social anxiety?  Well, The Secret of course; The Law Of Attraction.  Whatever you want in this life you can have.  The power of positive thinking.  How can this help to cure social anxiety?  Very simply put, if you want to be confident and outgoing, you can by applying the law of attraction.

Thoughts becomes things.  I have talked about negative thoughts over and over again.  You must replace the negative thoughts into positive ones.  It sounds simple, but it does take some work.

A friend of mine asked me if I really liked having social anxiety.  I thought that was a very odd question.  Of course I don’t like it.  He further asked, “Why do you think so much of yourself?  Why do you have such a huge ego?”  Well, you can understand I was a bit taken aback by those questions.

I got a little angry until he explained that the only way I could really believe that everyone was staring at me and judging me is if I thought so highly of myself and better than everyone else.  It was very hard for me to grasp that concept, but he’s right.  Why would anyone stare at me in public?

Then he showed me The Secret.  It’s not really a movie, it’s more of a video seminar.  Authors, doctors, scientists, and more get together to talk about the law of attraction.  How your thoughts become things.  How you can attract anything in life that you want.

It is a fascinating production, and one I highly believe in.  I watch it from time to time, and I really believe I have attracted confidence in my life.  I truly believe this has helped me cure my social anxiety.  The secret to cure social anxiety isn’t really a secret.

Exposure.  Probably the most feared word for someone with social anxiety, yet this is exactly what you need to do to overcome your fears.  Social anxiety is the fear of social situations.  So in order to cure your social anxiety, you need to expose yourself to social situations.  Pretty scary thought, eh?

Exposing yourself to social situations is so scary, that the mere thought can cause an anxiety attack, or a panic attack.  It is very hard to push yourself to do things that are scary.  Yet the rewards of pushing yourself and curing your social anxiety are pretty awesome.

So how do you go about this?  Expose yourself to social situations or fearful situations very slowly, by taking baby steps.  If you have a severe case of social anxiety start small with going out to the mailbox and back.  If that is too much, just step out on your porch and count to 10 or 20.  Drive to the store and sit in your car in the parking lot, and drive back home.

Start small, but do a lot to keep the momentum going.  Do something every day if possible.  The more exposure you practice, the faster you will be to cure your social anxiety.  Good Luck!